


Dana Scully's Diary

by Carriefx



Category: Bridget Jones's Diary (2001), The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 18:46:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7813048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carriefx/pseuds/Carriefx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I’ve come to realize that unless things change soon I’m going to lead a life where my major relationship is with a scalpel and microscope, and I’ll finally die alone and be found the next morning half eaten by a Pomeranian. So I’ve  decided to take control of my life and keep a diary..."</p><p>The X-Files goes Bridget Jones’s Diary (at some point between "Requiem" and "TiNH").</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dana Scully's Diary

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this over a decade ago! But maybe someone out there will still want to read it (let me know? ;-)). This is dedicated to my long-lost friends from the German X-Net chatroom, with thanks as well to my betas Alia and Beckylynn.

\-----  
Friday, January 1st. Scully’s apartment.  
\-----

[Scully is sitting at her computer, with a glass of wine on the desk next to her. She is lost in thought, remembering a certain journey toward Area 51.]

SCULLY (in flashback): Mulder, it’s the dim hope of finding proof that’s kept us in this car, or one very much like it, for more nights than I care to remember. Driving hundreds, if not thousands of miles through neighborhoods and cities and towns, where people are raising families and buying homes and playing with their kids and their dogs and, in short, living their lives. While we, we, we just keep driving.

MULDER (in flashback): What is your point?

[Scully (in the present) shakes her head and starts to type.]

SCULLY (v/o): My point was that something had to be done. I’ve come to realize that unless things change soon I’m going to lead a life where my major relationship is with a scalpel and microscope, and I’ll finally die alone and be found the next morning half eaten by a Pomeranian. So I’ve made a major decision. I have to make sure that next year I won’t end up sitting at home and writing a monograph on diminished acetylcholine production for the ‘Penology Review’. I have decided to take control of my life and keep a diary, to tell the truth about Dana Scully. The whole truth.

[Writing appears on the screen:

Last month –  
Number of times kidnapped by evil men: 2  
Number of times attacked by savage mutants: 3  
Number of days spent recovering in hospital: 4  
Number of reports signed that contained the word ‘paranormal’: 7  
Number of hours worked overtime: 42] 

SCULLY (v/o): Resolution number one: Get reassigned. Number two: Will find nice, sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, gender-benders, psychotics with tattoos, county sheriffs, narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous egomaniacs or perverts. And especially will not fantasize about a particular person who embodies most of these things...

[Redding’s ‘Respect’ starts to play. ‘Small Potatoes’ flashback of Mulder at the door of Scully’s apartment, sexily attired in jeans and a black leather jacket, with a cute expression on his face and a bottle of wine behind his back.]

SCULLY (v/o): Unfortunately, he just happens to be my partner, Special Agent Fox Mulder, and, for various slightly unfair reasons relating to the abduction of his sister, I suspect that he does not fantasize about me. Or maybe I’m wrong...

[In the flashback, Mulder is next to Scully on the couch, gazing at her intently in the flickering firelight. He leans slowly forward, about to kiss her, when the door bursts open to reveal the real Mulder. The ‘Mulder’ in front of Scully morphs into Eddie van Blundht.]

\-----  
11.00, Friday, January 8th. F.B.I. Headquarters, Washington D.C.  
\-----

[Scully is sitting alone in the basement office, typing. The phone rings.]

SCULLY: Scully.

BYERS: Sorry to disturb you Scully, but I need someone to talk to, and the others don’t really understand. I’ve been having that dream again...

SCULLY (v/o): Weekly call from Byers: good friend, co-editor of an independent newspaper concerned with conspiracy and the paranormal, who spends most of his time trapped in the bathroom pining for his paranoid almost-girlfriend. 

BYERS (brokenly): ... It’s such a beautiful dream. I have everything a person could want. Home, family, love... Everything that counts for anything in life – I have it. But then I lose it all.

SCULLY: Byers, you know it’s time to forget about Susanne and move on. 

BYERS: I don’t blame her for leaving. The others were right: I’m just a narc.

SCULLY: No you’re not! You’re a great guy! She was the one with the problem. She was a ruthless, selfish, deceitful, manipulative...

[Scully hears someone enter the office. Thinking it might be Kersh, she panics slightly.]

SCULLY: ... is some people’s opinion... of Agent Fowley... but they couldn’t be more wrong. She was an excellent and upstanding Agent, who contributed a great deal to the X-Files, and who has been sorely missed.

[She looks up to see Mulder, who is looking down at her with a tender smile, genuinely touched by the crap she just spouted. Scully can’t resist giving him a tender smile back. The words ‘biiiiiiiig piles of manure!’ appear across the screen.]

SCULLY (v/o): Very bad start to the year! Have been seduced by informality of basement office environment into flirting with FBI’s Most Unwanted. Will persevere with resolution to find a nice, sensible man and put a stop to flirting, straight after lunch.

* * * * * 

\-----  
F.B.I. Headquarters, later that evening.  
\-----

[Mulder and Scully are in the elevator heading up from the basement. Scully is reading a file. Mulder is watching her. He’s about to say something, but a random guy gets in at the next floor. As they step aside to make room for him, Mulder takes the opportunity to lay his hand on Scully’s... back. She resolutely ignores him and marches out of the elevator as soon as the doors open.] 

* * * * *

\-----  
20.00, Saturday, January 9th. F.B.I. Headquarters, Washington D.C  
\-----

[FBI New Year’s Ball. Hundreds of smartly dressed Agents are milling around in a big hall. Enter Scully.]

SCULLY (v/o): Now is the time to put New Year’s resolutions into action. Will shake off nickname ‘Mrs. Spooky’ and recreate image as cool, efficient young scientist who left behind a promising career in medicine because she believed she could make a difference in the FBI and who, more importantly, is wasted on the X-Files. Goals: reassignment and ultimate re-attainment of normality status.

[Mulder is skulking in the corner of the room looking edible in his dark suit. He turns toward her, trying to catch her eye.]

SCULLY (v/o): Ignore Mulder, and be charming with everyone else.

[She resolutely turns away and joins A.D. Skinner, who is talking to a good-looking guy of about forty. Skinner spins around with an almost jovial smile on his face.]

SKINNER: Ah, Agent Scully! Let me introduce Agent John Doggett to you. John, this is Dana Scully.

[Doggett and Scully politely shake hands.]

DOGGETT: Pleased to meet you, Agent Scully. I’ve heard of you before... you’re Agent Mulder’s partner, aren’t you?

SCULLY: Yes.

DOGGETT: On the X-Files?

SCULLY (disillusioned): Yes. 

DOGGETT: If you don’t mind me asking, I’m kinda interested. Have you ever seen an alien, Agent Scully?

SCULLY (woodenly): I have seen things that I cannot explain. I’ve observed phenomena that I cannot deny.

DOGGETT: Paranormal phenomena? As a cop I’ve seen some pretty strange stuff, but I guess I just find it hard to swallow that a scientist, a serious person, could buy that. You know, that mumbo jumbo about extraterrestrials, flying saucers, alien abductions - all that stuff your partner believes in...

SCULLY: What about my partner?! You don’t know Mulder!

DOGGETT: Well, I’ve heard the rumors. And you know about his nickname, right? “Spooky Mulder”? I mean, I understand obsession, but...

SCULLY (furiously): It seems to me, Agent Doggett, that you have very little appreciation of Agent Mulder’s work.

DOGGETT: I understand that those cases down there need investigating, but what I’m not prepared to do is accept a load of horse crap as the gospel truth!

SCULLY (v/o): It was at this point that I momentarily lost control.

[She draws herself up to her full height and throws the contents of her glass in Doggett’s face.]

SCULLY: Pleased to meet you, Agent Doggett!

[Several Agents turn to stare, and Scully realizes that her New Year’s resolution is circling the drain. She storms off. Doggett is about to go after her, but Mulder gets there first and lays a comforting hand on her back.]

MULDER (understandingly): Don’t let it bother you, Scully. Sometimes the need to mess with people’s heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation.

[He tentatively reaches out to fiddle with her necklace.]

MULDER: Nice outfit! 

[He hesitates...]

MULDER: Hey, let’s get outta here, Scully. How would you feel about coming down to the park with me for a very special, very early or incredibly late birthday present?

[Scully smiles resignedly, and nods.]

SCULLY: Whatever.

[Happy shippy music starts to play.

We see Mulder and Scully batting balls toward the stars, Millennium-kissing, sitting close together on Mulder’s couch talking intimately over mugs of steaming tea, walking down to the IVF clinic together... Shot of Mulder gently brushing away a strand of hair from the face of a sleeping Scully. Shot of Mulder and Scully curled up together in bed à la ‘Requiem’, talking...]

SCULLY: Mulder, what happens at the office? Do you think people will notice?

MULDER: Notice what?

SCULLY: Us. Working together, spending our free time together...

MULDER: Oh come on, Scully! You love me and I love you – it’s a wonderful romance. Just not a physical romance. Everyone understands that.

[He leans forward and tenderly kisses the back of her neck.]

SCULLY (v/o): Yay! No longer lead tragic half-life but am platonic friend of bona fide cute, non-jerk-but-obsessed-with-his-work guy, so committed that he’s taking me on a full-blown teamwork seminar. 

[Shot of Mulder and Scully driving to the teamwork seminar.]

MULDER: You just ran a STOP sign back there, Scully!

SCULLY (v/o): This can’t be just long, soulful looks. A teamwork seminar means true platonic friendship.

* * * * *

\-----  
Seminar Center, later that day.  
\-----

[Large room full of FBI Agents who are busy building... you’ve guessed it... towers out of office furniture. Scully is standing on a desk, half-heartedly balancing a pile of files on top of a trashcan.]

SCULLY: Mulder, what are we doing here?

MULDER: We’re “enhancing our communication skills and capacity to function as a team through various challenging exercises in constructive problem solving.”

SCULLY: I think on the whole I preferred the Moth Men. 

MULDER: Could it be that you don’t feel the tremendous sense of achievement that comes from putting an electric pencil-sharpener on the top of the pile?

SCULLY: We haven’t gotten that far yet. And if you don’t stop throwing those pencils at the ceiling and give me a hand here, we won’t be finished in time for the game without any negative words!

[Mulder immediately throws another pencil.]

MULDER: You’re doing just fine, Scully.

SCULLY: “Co-operation: that’s the key”

[He looks up at her, half smiling.]

MULDER: You’ve never thrown a pencil, have you Scully?

SCULLY: No. I guess I’ve found more necessary things to do with my time...

MULDER (grinning): Get over here. 

[She hesitates.]

MULDER: Come on, you enjoyed that baseball lesson didn’t you?

SCULLY: Not more ‘hips before hands’ stuff, Mulder?

MULDER: No, with pencils it’s more like ‘elbow before wrist’ -doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, huh? Let me show you...

[Scully walks over to stand beside him, and she has to smile as he deftly lodges a succession of pencils in the ceiling. Another pair of Agents stop for a moment to watch.]

AGENT MONICA REYES: Looks like fun!

DOGGETT (wistfully): Yes.

 

\-----  
Lake-behind-the-Seminar-Center, later that evening.  
\-----

[Mulder and Scully are rowing a boat across the sunset lake, deep in verbal communication.]

SCULLY: ... And you know that poem? “At times I almost dream I too have spent a life the sage’s way, and tread once more familiar paths...”

MULDER (exuberantly): “...Perchance I perished in an arrogant self-reliance an age ago”. Dammit, I love Browning!

[Scully catches his eye and they both laugh, their voices carrying on the breeze. From inside the Seminar Center, John Doggett watches them for a moment, thoughtfully, while he tries to describe the first case he ever worked with Reyes to the circle of listening Agents, without using any negative words.]

* * * * * 

\-----  
8.00, Sunday, January 17th. Seminar Center.  
\-----

[Scully is getting dressed in a bathroom. She pulls down her green t-shirt, zips up her black skirt and stares at herself in the mirror. She fixes her hair and walks out into the adjoining bedroom, looking long and hard at the bed, as if expecting to see a half-naked Mulder lying there. Instead, she sees an envelope on the pillow.] 

MULDER (v/o): Scully, when you get this note, I will be too far away for you to stop me, but where I’m going I cannot allow you to follow. A case has come up – a UFO has collided with a Navy plane and crashed in the woods in Oregon. The ship is still out there, together with all the proof I ever sought! The truth is out there Scully, and this is the closest I’ve ever come to it! I have to act immediately before the ship rebuilds itself and the evidence is gone... 

Sorry to miss yet another teamwork seminar. If anyone wonders where I am, just remind them about my severe haemorrhoidal condition. 

* * * * *

\-----  
Sunday, January 31st. Scully’s apartment.  
\-----

[Scully is sitting miserably at her computer, typing in her diary.]

SCULLY (v/o): It appears that Mulder has been abducted. According to Skinner’s account there was a bright light and a waiting circle of abductees. Mulder walked straight into the middle of the circle and looked up expectantly at the sky. I guess what happened next was inevitable. After seven years of obsessively chasing aliens, he finally got what he wanted. At least, I hope it’s what he wanted, because if he didn’t mean to get abducted, standing there waiting for the alien ship to show was pretty damn stupid...

The FBI has launched a manhunt to be headed by Agent ‘I-don’t-want-to-believe-this-horse-crap’ Doggett. And wherever Mulder is right now, he’d better be smiling. 

[Shot of Scully walking in slow motion down the FBI corridors; staring sadly at herself in her bathroom mirror; sitting on her couch with her hands resting lightly on her pregnant stomach... The haunting music from ‘Within’ starts to play, and Scully looks up and starts singing along...]

SCULLY (mouthing): Nyaahnnyyaah nyaahnnyyaah  
nyaahnnyyaaaa-aaaah. Nyaahnyaah nyaahnnyyaah  
nyaahnnyyaaaa-aaaah...

[The music reaches its climax...]

SCULLY: AAAAA-aaaaaaah! AAAAA-uuuuuuhhh...

SCULLY (v/o): At times like this, continuing with one’s life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one’s refrigerator seems inevitable.

[She looks sadly into her refrigerator, which is chock-full of health foods.]

But I have two choices: To give up, and accept permanent state of half-life and eventual eating by Pomeranian, or Not. And this time, I choose Not.

[Haunting music stops abruptly.]

I will not be defeated by a bunch of evil aliens and a partner with a serious commitment problem. My life still has meaning. And purpose. 

Resolution number three: Give my new partner, John Doggett, hell for not being Mulder and for bull-headedly refusing to believe in extreme possibilities when the proof is staring him in the face. 

[She nods approvingly.]

And still intend to find sensible man to go out with. 

[Her face falls as she remembers something.]

But in the meantime, in my thirty-seventh year of being single, I’ve been invited to another dinner party with my brother and his wife. The only thing worse than a smug married couple: lots of smug married couples... 

* * * * *

\-----  
19.00, Saturday, 13th March. Home of Bill and Tara Scully.  
\-----

[Scully wanders awkwardly into the room. Bill hugs her affectionately.]

SCULLY: Look at you, my big brother!

BILL: Hello Dana! 

[He suddenly looks slightly embarrassed. Mrs. Scully is fussing around a man who has just come in the door. He’s dressed in black and wearing a hat. Scully can only see his back.]

BILL: Er... Mom invited him for you.

[Scully looks at the black-cloaked back of the dark stranger.]

SCULLY (v/o): Hoo, boy! Maybe this time Mom had got it right. Could this be the mysterious Mr. Right I’d been waiting my whole life to meet?

[The man takes off his hat, turns around slowly and smiles at her. It’s Father McCue.]

SCULLY (v/o): Maybe... not. 

[She turns quickly away... and finds herself face to face with John Doggett.]

SCULLY: Agent Doggett? What are you doing here?!

DOGGETT (casually): Me? I got to know Bill back a bit. So how are you, Agent Scully?

SCULLY: I’m fine...

[They’re interrupted by the approach of a tall, dark-haired woman who has come with Doggett.]

REYES: Anyone going to introduce me?

DOGGETT: This is Agent Scully; Agent Scully, this is Agent Reyes. Agent Reyes has a Masters in religious studies. Her specialization is ritualistic crime. Agent Scully is my partner on the X-Files and once threw a glass of wine in my face. 

[He takes a sip from his glass. Reyes smiles uncertainly from one to the other. Scully glowers.]

 

\-----  
Home of Bill and Tara Scully, half an hour later.  
\-----

[Everyone is sitting around a large table. Doggett is sitting next to Reyes, and Scully has been strategically placed next to Father McCue. On the other side is Bill’s wife Tara, who is obviously pregnant again.]

TARA: So Dana, how’s your love life? Still missing that Mulder guy? 

SCULLY (determined): No.

[Doggett looks up, surprised.]

BILL (muttering): That sorry son-of-a-bitch!

TARA: Never dip your nib in the office ink, huh?

[Everyone laughs. Tara suddenly jumps and looks at her stomach.]

TARA: Oooh, he’s kicking. Or rather, kickboxing!

[She goops smugly at her midriff. Scully gives a small, private smile.]

TARA: I feel the same about this one as I did about Matthew. Except even happier. It’s great to have a second child coming along when I see the first growing up in such a loving family. He means the world to his father, and I’m sure this one will too.

[Tara and Bill exchange fond glances. Doggett looks intently at Scully. Scully feels like she’s caught up in the dinner party from hell, but just when she was thinking things couldn’t get any worse, Father McCue takes advantage of the pause to lean confidentially toward her...]

FATHER McCUE: I know it’s been some time since we’ve spoken ourselves, since you drifted from the church, but your mother told me about your... situation and that the father of your child...

SCULLY (hastily): Father McCue, I...

FATHER McCUE: At a time of personal crisis, turning back to your faith is important and essential.

[Doggett coughs and draws Father McCue’s attention away from Scully, but Tara is still prattling on...]

TARA: You really should hurry up and find yourself another man, Dana. Time’s running out!

SOMEONE ELSE: Yes, why are there so many single mothers in their thirties, Dana?

[The whole table goes quiet and everyone looks at Scully.]

SCULLY (nettled): Well, I suppose it doesn’t help when their partners disappear without a trace in the middle of the night, hoping to be reunited with long-lost sisters and other test-subjects of experiments by extraterrestrials in a heap of highly classified, radioactive wreckage!

[Horrified silence.]

 

\-----  
House of Bill and Tara Scully, 1 hour later.  
\-----

[Scully is standing in the hallway looking weary and annoyed. She hears footsteps, and turns around to see Doggett behind her.]

DOGGETT: Agent Scully?

SCULLY: Agent Doggett?

DOGGETT: I will find him.

SCULLY: Who?

DOGGETT: Mulder

SCULLY: Oh. 

[She pulls on her coat.] 

DOGGETT: So... you meant what you said back there? About not missing him so bad? 

[Scully looks at him furiously.]

SCULLY: Look, what’s it to you how I feel about Mulder? From the beginning you’ve acted like I didn’t know him at all, like he’d been lying to me. You dismiss my theories as BS and refuse to accept the facts when they jump up and bite your ass! You go out of your way to make me look crazy and you really shouldn’t bother. Most of my colleagues think I’m crazy anyway, with or without “Spooky Mulder” as my partner. 

DOGGETT: Agent Scully, I’m sorry if I’ve been...

SCULLY: What?

DOGGETT: I don’t think you’re crazy. I realize that when we first started working together I was a bit high-handed and didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved. I was only trying to do my job, but you didn’t make things easy for me and you still don’t. You keep things from me. You treat me like the Big Bad Wolf. But you’re a great Agent and…a remarkable woman, Agent Scully. And I respect you very much.

SCULLY: Oh, apart from the lying, and the lack of trust, and the horse crap about aliens coming to colonize the world...

DOGGETT: No, I respect you very much. Just as you are.

[Scully gazes at him, suddenly touched. He looks back at her, sincerely, his blue eyes deep in hers. But before she can reply, Tara appears in the doorway.] 

TARA: John, you’ve got to hear this! Monica just agreed to do her impression of a hump-backed whale! 

DOGGETT: Right. 

[He glances one last time at Scully, but a strange moaning sound has already started up in the next room.] 

DOGGETT: I’d better go.

[And looking slightly grim he heads back into the dining room before Scully can say another word.]

* * * * *

\-----  
Offices of the Lone Gunmen, later that evening.  
\-----

BYERS: Just as you are? 

[Scully nods.]

LANGLY: Well. Sweet.

BYERS (eagerly): I always think the best relationships – the ones that last - are the ones rooted in respect and friendship. One day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before, and...

FROHIKE (placating): Sure you do, Byers.

LANGLY: But this is the Big Bad Wolf, right? 

SCULLY: Yes. I don’t trust him. At all.

[The LGM just look at each other, helplessly.]

* * * * *

\-----  
16.00, Saturday, April 17th. Scully’s apartment.  
\-----

SCULLY (v/o): It’s now three months since Mulder disappeared. Am cooking meal for the friends who have helped me through this difficult time.

[Scully expertly places a tray of food in the oven. She then rushes off to the bathroom with a bout of morning sickness, the sound of which is tactfully drowned out by the wailing music from ‘Within’. When she returns, she slumps on the couch, closing her eyes... 

... Several hours later, she wakes up to the sound of her doorbell...]

SCULLY: What time is it?!

[There’s a strong smell of burning. Scully glances, horror-stricken, into the kitchen, hesitates, then hurries to open the door. Doggett is standing there, looking at her intently.]

DOGGETT: I, er, just wanted to see how you were doing and say hi.

[He sniffs the air.]

DOGGETT: But I seem to have come at a bad time.

[He glances into the kitchen, where clouds of smoke are now billowing from the oven, and springs into action.]

DOGGETT: You sit down Agent Scully. Let me deal with this.

SCULLY: I don’t believe it! Oh God, they’re going to be here any minute!

[Doggett takes her arm and guides her gently toward the couch.]

DOGGETT: Do you have eggs?

SCULLY (sighing): No. The aliens took them from me during my abduc...

DOGGETT: Agent Scully?

SCULLY (hastily): Um yeah, I do.

DOGGETT: I’ll make some omelettes. 

[Scully sits down weakly on the couch and the Manly Man starts making omelettes, his shirtsleeves rolled up to reveal his Manly Forearms. Scully can’t take her eyes off him. Suddenly the doorbell rings. The LGM burst into the apartment.]

FROHIKE (stopping abruptly at the sight of Doggett): Hi. 

DOGGETT: Hi.

FROHIKE: Are you joining us?

[Doggett looks questioningly at Scully, ready to slip quietly out of the room, but she smiles at him.]

SCULLY: If you’d like to stay, Agent Doggett, you’re very welcome.

[Their eyes meet, and after a moment, he nods.]

 

\-----  
Scully’s apartment, one hour later.  
\-----

[The five of them are sitting round the table, chatting comfortably about the ‘Patience’ case.]

DOGGETT: ... It was Agent Scully who found the evidence that some kind of bat was attacking those people, and she was the one who made the link between the attacks and the burnt corpse that Myron Stefaniuk pulled out of the river.

SCULLY: I made the connections but it was Agent Doggett who got us out there – he found that newspaper article and he put forward the hypothesis with the human bat. 

DOGGETT (modestly): I’m not saying I believed it at first, but I’d come to realize that most cases on the X-Files were broken when someone made a leap.

FROHIKE: Not bad for a beginner!

[Everyone smiles. After a moment, Frohike clears his throat.]

FROHIKE: Well, I think it’s time for a toast. 

[He raises his glass.]

FROHIKE: To our lovely hostess!

ALL: To Scully!

FROHIKE (meaningfully): ... who kicks ass, and whom we respect -just as she is.

[Scully glances at Doggett, embarrassed. He’s staring at her, and looks quickly away when he catches her eye. There’s an expression of heart-stopping intensity on his face. Scully blushes slightly and looks down. At this crucial moment there’s a knock at the door.]

BYERS: I’ll go.

[He opens the door, and to the astonishment of everyone, Mulder walks in.]

MULDER: Oh, hi!

[He glances round and notices Doggett.]

MULDER: Who are you?

SCULLY: My new partner, Agent John Doggett. Mulder, what happened to you? Where have you been?

MULDER: It doesn’t matter. I was, er... returned. Can we...

[Scully gets up and walks with Mulder into a quiet corner of the room. Doggett watches, frowning slightly.]

MULDER: Right now I could use your help. I need to collect proof and you’re the only one I trust. 

[He whispers dramatically:]

MULDER: The truth we’ve been seeking so long. That truth is in me...

SCULLY (taking a deep breath): Mulder, I’ve never met anyone so passionate and dedicated to a belief as you. You'll pursue a case at the expense of everything, to the point of insanity, to the point of getting yourself abducted... Like I once said, don’t you ever want to stop and lead anything approaching a normal life?

MULDER: I need you on this Scully! I need your expertise! As difficult and as frustrating as it’s been sometimes, your strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over. And you’ve kept me honest. You’ve...

SCULLY: Where have I heard this half-baked crap before?

[She half smiles, relenting. Mulder stares at her intently, and then she stops smiling. He leans slowly forward, his hands gently stroking her face, the FTF music building to a climax - he’s just about to kiss her, when...]

DOGGETT: I’m getting outta here. 

SCULLY: John, stay!

DOGGETT: No, I don’t wanna get in your way...

MULDER: Don’t leave because I’m here! At least stay for a drink with Dana and me.

[He puts his arm around Scully ‘Arcadia’ style, and she gives him the ‘Syzygy’ glare.] 

DOGGETT: Bye, Agent Scully.

[He leaves.]

MULDER (letting Scully go): You call him John? 

SCULLY: Mulder, what are you doing here?!

MULDER (frowning): I’ve just told you why I’m here. And what was Dumbo Doggett...? Oh great. He’s back.

DOGGETT: Right, Mulder. Outside.

MULDER: Huh?

[Doggett storms off in a Manly Rage. After a moment, Mulder follows him out onto the street.]

DOGGETT: I’ve wanted to do this for months. 

MULDER: Do what?

DOGGETT: This.

[He punches him.]

DOGGETT: ... For all the mental anguish you caused to Agent Scully. I respect that woman way too much to let her life be ruined by a sorry son-of-a-bitch like you. And another thing. Nobody EVER calls me ‘Dumbo’ and gets away with it!!

[Cue ‘It’s Raining Men’. Doggett and Mulder start to fight, kicking and scratching like two little boys. Scully and the LGM hurry to the door and watch.]

FROHIKE: Whose side are we on?

BYERS AND LANGLY: Doggett’s!

BYERS: He never ditched Scully.

LANGLY: Or dragged her out on Christmas Eve to go ghost-busting with him.

BYERS: Or told her she was wrong 98.9% of the time.

FROHIKE: Or had drawers full of videos that weren’t his.

LANGLY: Or asked some freak memory-doctor to drill holes in his head...

SCULLY: Yes, but Mulder’s been your friend for at least 10 years and you only met Doggett an hour ago.

FROHIKE: Good point, pretty lady. It’s a hard one to call!

[A skilful blow from Doggett sends Mulder to the ground. Scully instinctively runs to Mulder and leans over him anxiously...]

SCULLY: Mulder, are you okay?

[Mulder half opens his eyes.]

MULDER (slurring): Who’s the black private dick who’s the sex machine with all the chicks? Shaft! Can you dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother... Shut your mouth! I’m talkin’ ‘bout Shaft. 

SCULLY (looking up indignantly at Doggett): What is your problem?

DOGGETT (staring at Mulder): MY problem?!

SCULLY: Yes! You give the impression of being all moral and manly... and normal. And helpful in the kitchen. But you’re just as bad as he is.

DOGGETT: Well, I can see I’ve been doing things wrong all this time. Stupid of me. I’m sorry, Agent Scully. 

[He turns and walks slowly away. Scully watches him go, still squatting next to Mulder on the sidewalk. Mulder opens his eyes again and carries on pretty much where he left off in the apartment...]

MULDER: Let’s go back upstairs. We belong together, Scully. You make me a whole person. I don’t know if I can do this alone, and if I quit now, they win...

SCULLY (after a pause): Like I once said. Mulder – not everything is about you. This is my life. I’m not willing to gamble everything on someone who’s only bothered about proving the existence of extraterrestrials and avenging the deaths of his family members. Because I’m still looking for something more extraordinary, even than that. 

* * * * *

\-----  
Sunday, April 18th. Scully’s apartment.  
\-----

[Scully is sitting at the table in front of her computer, reading through her diary. She finds an entry she wrote just after Mulder’s abduction. We see fragments of sentences on the screen:

‘…John Doggett may be Kersh’s Golden Boy, but he is in no way suited to or qualified for work on the X-Files’… 

‘…I think on the whole I prefer a big nose to gigantic ears’… 

‘…I underestimated John Doggett. I thought he was simply resistant to extreme possibilities, when in fact he’s just downright bull-headed’… 

She bites her lip, and deletes everything except for the very first entry. She then shuts down the computer and stares into space for a long moment, lost in thought.]

* * * * *

\-----  
Monday, April 19th. F.B.I. Headquarters, Washington D.C.  
\-----

[Lots of Special Agents are assembled for a briefing. Doggett is sitting with a group of friends. He glances up when he sees Scully enter the room, but then looks away. Scully walks resolutely over to him.]

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, I owe you an apology. I’ve come to realize that I’ve made your life hell since we’ve been partners, and now, after talking with Mulder the other night, I’ve come to appreciate all the more...

DOGGETT: That’s fine, Agent Scully. I understand. You were upset.

SCULLY: No, it’s a lot more than that. It’s... I...

SKINNER: Agents, could I have your attention for one moment please?

[The whole room goes silent. Scully looks despairingly at Doggett.]

SKINNER: Before we get started I have a few words to say. As some of you will know already, Agent Mulder is back among the living and will shortly be returning to his duties on the X-Files. As a result, John Doggett feels that his services are no longer required by the FBI and he has accepted a commission as Assistant Director with the NSA. Since this transfer is effective as of next week, this will be Agent Doggett’s last assignment with us. John, I’d like to congratulate you on behalf of everyone here, and wish you every success in your new office.

[Scully is absolutely horror-struck. The camera zooms in dramatically on her face, everything moving in slow-motion...]

SCULLY: N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O ! ! !

 

[Silence.]

SCULLY: I’m just sorry... that the FBI is losing such a talented Agent. When John Doggett was first assigned to the X-Files, I wasn’t convinced that he had the necessary open-mindedness to make a contribution. But since then he has impressed me beyond belief with the quality of his work, and...

[She turns to speak directly to Doggett.] 

SCULLY: ... and of his character. He has been a tremendous support to me, both on a professional... and on a personal level, and I hope he realizes that despite appearances I have appreciated it. And that I will miss him, very much.

[Her voice falters, and tears well up in her eyes. Unable to face Doggett any longer, she leaves the room.]

* * * * *

\-----  
F.B.I. Headquarters, Washington D.C. One week later.  
\-----

[Scully is sitting alone in the basement office. It’s immaculately tidy and looks very empty. Doggett has left his nameplate on his desk. After a while Scully picks it up and slowly turns it over in her hands. 

There’s a knock at the door and she looks up, hardly daring to hope.]

SCULLY: Come in!

[Enter the LGM.]

FROHIKE: Hey Scully, have we got a surprise for you! We’re taking you off to Las Vegas for another convention so you can get away from the X-Files for a while – forget about everything, especially John Doggett. If he didn’t sprint across the crowded room and sweep you up in his arms, he’s not worth bothering about.

BYERS: As soon as Mulder’s finished “processing everything”, you can make a fresh start.

LANGLY: Yeah exactly. All those soulful looks can’t have been for nothing.

[Scully looks from one to the other, bewildered.]

LANGLY: Right, let’s hit the road!

[Scully dawdles with the nameplate. Byers watches her for a second.]

BYERS: Scully?

SCULLY: I... I just need a moment, okay?

[He tactfully guides the others out of the office.]

BYERS: We’ll call back later.

[He leaves. Scully stands alone in the empty room. Then, suddenly, another figure appears in the doorway. It’s Doggett.]

SCULLY: Agent Doggett?! I... thought you’d already left.

DOGGETT: Well, I had – but I realized I’d forgotten something back here.

SCULLY (almost nervously): What?

[They look at each other for a long moment.]

DOGGETT: My nameplate. I left it on that desk.

[She smiles tearfully as she hands it to him. There’s a slight pause, and then Doggett clears his throat.]

DOGGETT: Thanks, Agent Scully. For everything. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been a real pleasure working with you.

[Scully hesitates for a moment, then reaches into her pocket and draws out her Apollo 11 key chain.]

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, I’d like to give you this. It’s a medallion commemorating the Apollo 11 space flight, and it symbolizes teamwork. Partnership. 

[There’s a long pause. Doggett slips the key chain into his pocket and looks into her eyes.]

DOGGETT: Thank you. 

[He steps slowly back toward the door.]

DOGGETT: You take care now, Agent Scully. And drop me a line,if you get the chance.

[Their eyes meet one last time, Scully smiles and nods, and Doggett slowly leaves the room. She stares after him for a moment, then opens her desk drawer and takes out Mulder’s nameplate. She puts it on the desk in front of her, switches on her computer, and sits down to get some work done on her monograph before Mulder returns.]

 

~ THE END ~


End file.
